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Lately my life has changed a lot.
2013 wasn't really my year, I keep hoping that 2014 will be better but I'm not entirely sure that it's going to happen. It seems the hard I try to make things right the worse they actually become. So I've decided to stick to the mentality that I'm being silent. The fight has drained me.
I know most people wouldn't consider I've fought at all. Many are willing to dismiss what efforts I have made for not trying hard enough and to that I say I'm sorry. But that's all I'm able to do.
This year I lost a lot of my friends and family and it hurts quite a bit because I realised too late that sometimes friends are family. Especially when you don't have any family left. But I Suppose those things happen, don't they?
And if that wasn't bad enough I had my flat and my shop stripped from me. In order not to end up in the hole entirely I had to sell both. Everything I'd fought so hard for since more or less coming to America had been taken. So not only was I taken down emotionally I was taken down physically as well. I have been kicked and beaten all the way down to the bottom and it's funny because people are so willing to tell me that once you're at the bottom there's no where to go but up but to be perfectly honest it doesn't seem that way. People can tell you all this stuff all the time but that doesn't mean you can feel it, you can hear it but you might not be able to feel it.
At forty I always thought things would be different. But this was not really what I had planned out. I suppose that's part of life, like it or not, things change. They change in many different ways some alright some not so good. I've never really been a huge fan in change. I like when things stay more or less the same. I'm afraid of change if I might openly admit. But I am trying to change. As previously mentioned I was putting a 110% but it seems that 110% isn't even enough. But I am going to keep trying.
It's a quiet existence, in many different ways, but its mine and it's always changing it seems. I'm just hoping it doesn't keep changing in the ways it has been. I've already lost enough people and things as of late. I don't think I could lose any more.
2013 wasn't really my year, I keep hoping that 2014 will be better but I'm not entirely sure that it's going to happen. It seems the hard I try to make things right the worse they actually become. So I've decided to stick to the mentality that I'm being silent. The fight has drained me.
I know most people wouldn't consider I've fought at all. Many are willing to dismiss what efforts I have made for not trying hard enough and to that I say I'm sorry. But that's all I'm able to do.
This year I lost a lot of my friends and family and it hurts quite a bit because I realised too late that sometimes friends are family. Especially when you don't have any family left. But I Suppose those things happen, don't they?
And if that wasn't bad enough I had my flat and my shop stripped from me. In order not to end up in the hole entirely I had to sell both. Everything I'd fought so hard for since more or less coming to America had been taken. So not only was I taken down emotionally I was taken down physically as well. I have been kicked and beaten all the way down to the bottom and it's funny because people are so willing to tell me that once you're at the bottom there's no where to go but up but to be perfectly honest it doesn't seem that way. People can tell you all this stuff all the time but that doesn't mean you can feel it, you can hear it but you might not be able to feel it.
At forty I always thought things would be different. But this was not really what I had planned out. I suppose that's part of life, like it or not, things change. They change in many different ways some alright some not so good. I've never really been a huge fan in change. I like when things stay more or less the same. I'm afraid of change if I might openly admit. But I am trying to change. As previously mentioned I was putting a 110% but it seems that 110% isn't even enough. But I am going to keep trying.
It's a quiet existence, in many different ways, but its mine and it's always changing it seems. I'm just hoping it doesn't keep changing in the ways it has been. I've already lost enough people and things as of late. I don't think I could lose any more.
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